Within two months of the lockdown I lost my job, my beloved dog passed away, and a romantic relationship dissolved under the weight of our collective insecurities and the physical distance between us. I was familiar with depression, but this time it manifested differently. Instead of thoughts of suicide and a mild form of agoraphobia, I simply couldn't get motivated to do the things I loved to do. Even when the lockdown in my area ended, the idea of doing anything I enjoyed felt daunting and I distanced myself from almost everyone. The constant numbness felt like a low internal vibrating hum and when I couldn't pull myself out of it, I knew I needed help. This is when I remembered watching Thais Gibson on YouTube and decided to try her program. This was the first step in my journey and it was life-changing! The Personal Development School is hybrid of self-guided, group therapy, and guided therapy. In the school I learned about attachment theory and my own attachment style. At the time I was Fearful Avoidant leaning Dismissive Avoidant.

Attachment styles typically form in childhood as a result of childhood trauma. The short version is that trauma results in core wounds and affects the way the subconscious mind prioritizes our six basic human needs. The combination of unmet needs and core wounds determines patterns of behavior that make up our attachment style. As a Fearful Avoidant, I experienced and expressed both anxious and avoidant behaviors. For example,... It wasn't until I was actively working on myself that I could see how I unintentionally contributed to the toxic situations in my life.